Your daughter comes home with a math project. She starts to complain about how much she hates math and doing projects. Should you:
A. Hire the high school math whiz who lives next door to “help out” with the project.
B. Set deadlines for her. Buy all the necessary materials and reward her with homemade brownies when she’s done.
C. Say nothing and pray she does it on her own.
If you picked A or B, teacher and author Jessical Lahey thinks you’re wrong.
“Do I want [my kids]to be happy now and not-scared and not-anxious, or, a year from now, do I hope that they pushed through being a-little-anxious and a little scared and became a little more competent?” she asks.
That question is the focus of her best-selling book, The Gift of Failure. As a parent and teacher, Jessica saw something was amiss with her parenting and the middle school kids she taught. Kids seemed to crumble when faced with a challenge. Learning was no longer fun. And parents were taking bad grades personally. Basically, everyone was unhappy. She came to the realization that parents were more concerned with raising happy children then competent, autonomous ones.
It’s hard to see kids get frustrated and fail, which is why so many loving, well-intentioned parents go into rescue mode when things aren’t going their child’s way. Recent studies indicate that if you want your child to become a courageous, passionate leader who inspires others, however, do the opposite – let them experience failure and rejection.
Here are some important actions you can take to promote leadership in your child and yourself:
Stop Obsessing About Individual Achievement. Many parents think if they zero in on achievement, it’s going to turn their children into high-achievers. This only causes problems because when you focus on the individual award, trophy or title they received, kids get the wrong impression about how work gets done. Real leaders surround themselves with great people because they know they can’t make it to the top alone.
Let Your Child Experience Risks and Failure. What builds character and enables your child to become a future leader? The answer is giving them the green light to take risks and fail. It’s a known fact that success in business and life is driven by risk. If you constantly shield your child from taking risks in order to protect their self-esteem, they’ll have problems tolerating failure throughout life, a trait true leaders need to experience before they taste success.
Don’t Go Overboard on Praise. All children need to be praised to build a healthy sense of self-esteem. But constant and undue praise for even the tiniest accomplishments or non-accomplishments leads to something we all want to avoid them becoming – future narcissists. It’s good to show your child how proud you are of the energy and effort they’ve put into something. That said, applauding them for things you know aren’t true creates an over-inflated ego and have serious consequences later on in life.
Just Say No. We’ve all been guilty of caving into our child’s whims for more candy, toys or whatever. Maybe it’s because we feel guilty about not spending enough time with them or when they are with us, we want them to be happy and have positive feelings. It doesn’t help our current culture brainwashes kids into believing they need more and that everything should be fast, easy and fun. No wonder saying “no” is hard! The problem with that mentality is kids today don’t know what it’s like to delay gratification. Responding with a “no” is actually beneficial because it helps them gain a sense of resourcefulness and determination to accomplish what they want, which builds their self-esteem.
Be Authentic and Vulnerable. We all want to be heroes for our kids 24/7, but the best leaders are those who are straightforward, real and not afraid to show they mess up. When you show your vulnerable side and reveal some of your past mistakes to your child, they’ll feel less guilty and realize they’re not alone with experiencing failure. More importantly, they’ll see you were able to process, learn and become a better person because of it. Additionally, children respect you more when what you say and do aligns with who you are as a person. When your children see you walk your talk, they’ll want to do the same.
The job of molding your child into a leader might feel like an uphill battle. When you see them finally make it to the top, the effort sure is worth it.
